


until you don't

by gotobed



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:22:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotobed/pseuds/gotobed
Summary: alex reminiscesbruh this is sad don't read it if you're not in a good place, it's kinda just a vent fic oops
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	until you don't

i sit on the park bench, staring distantly into the kids playground, i used to come to this park all the time when i was younger. i sigh, wishing for the better times.  
"hey" i'm broken out of my thoughts by a man standing infront of me. i realise it must look weird, a lone man sitting and watching a kids park. "which one's your kid?"

i have no answer to this question, it's not like i have a kid here and i definitely dont look like i should.  
"reminiscing i guess, yknow, i'll miss this place"  
"oh, you moving out of the area?" he asks  
"i guess you could say that" i reply "sorry bout that" i stand up and leave. 

my walk home is painful. everything laced with memories that are like daggers, stabbing me every time i look around. i keep my eyes on the sidewalk and turn my music up loud, louder than it should be. 

i make my way up to the apartment, unlocking the door and kicking my shoes off. george emerges from his room “alex, hey, how was your walk?”  
“good thanks” i mumble, just wanting to get to my room.  
“the boys are going out tonight, you’re invited” my ears perk up at that, not one to pass up an opportunity to get drunk.  
“yeah okay fine, but you gotta buy me a drink” hoping i can get a free drink out of this.  
“okay fine but only because you're my best mate n you bought me one last week, we’re leaving in an hour. maybe you should edit” i hum in agreement.  
george is right, i really need to get back onto youtube, it’s been over a month since i’ve uploaded and all my subscribers are asking for a new video. but its just too much, so i layed on bed bed stayed there, lifelessly.

i hear georges door open  
“alex! we’re leaving in 5” he says through my door. i decide that what i wore for my walk earlier was fine. i shrug a jacket on, placing my phone, keys, wallet, deck and lighter in my pockets. i pull a pouch with some multicoloured pills in it out of my drawer and pocket them as well.  
i leave my room and pull my shoes on, i feel like i’m on autopilot, in a daze, although noone seems to notice. george is eating a sandwich.  
“you want something before we go mate?” he asks. i shake my head, i haven’t eaten in 3 days and i definitely don’t want to eat before drinking.  
he finishes his food and we head off, walking down the road to the bar, thankfully it’s not that far.

we meet them outside, james, will and fraser. george keeps his word as we walk into the bar, “what drink didya want?” he askes  
“just a vodka coke. thank you” he nods and goes up to the bar.  
i down my first drink quickly, slipping a pill in my mouth as i do it and i go up to grab another one. james looks at me concerned, although i know its just cause i downed a drink in the first 2 minutes of getting here. i sip my next drink a little slower, only going up to get another once everyone else has finished their first round.

after the first 40 minutes im drunk, and im alone, all the others having fucked off to go and have fun. i grab another drink and down it along with a few pills, the only thing i need now is a cigarette so i stand up, exiting the bar, but only for a minute.

another 30 minutes later i’m absolutely gone, i cannot stand so im leaned against james, him holding most of my body weight. the waves of nausea and dizziness come quick and i’m sure i won’t remember any of this in the morning.  
i wake up the next morning in someone elses bed, james’. i cuddle into him, craving some sense of love and belonging and warmth but i don’t find it. i’m still sinking, faster than ive ever done before and i’m in too deep, way too deep, to get myself out now. so i bury myself further into his side.  
eventually i decide that it’s time i went home, being it 1pm and any sense of belonging still absent. i exit the apartment quietly, sending james a text letting him know i went home and pulling another smoke out of my deck. i light up and begin my short walk home.

as i walk i type, letters to james and will and fraser and of course george. a letter to my parents and one to my fans. i turn the other way from home and start walking towards the bridge.  
i sit on the edge, looking down at the water and finish my pack, i only had a few left any ways. i send off my letters along with my laptop and phone password and the address of the bridge to george, silently hoping he’ll send help and it won’t come until i’m long gone.  
but the other half of me hopes that i'll be stopped.  
so i take off my jacket, setting my phone on top of it and stand up. i climb over the railing and look at the sky, knowing it’s the last time i’ll see it. i turn my back to the edge and let go, falling through space and time to whatever comes next.

"When you stop wishing things won’t fall apart, you’ll stop suffering when they do. Until then, this will hurt, but you will survive, until you don’t" - john green

**Author's Note:**

> okay wait i could do like an aftermath of what happened from like when it's happening to like after?  
> i'm not sure. anyways, hope you enjoyed


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